I'm sick again

I guess it's been a week since I last updated this blog. I've been shutting out the world around me lately, but yesterday I started feeling horribly sick yet again, so now I really am shutting out the world because I don't feel like getting out of bed. It feels like I just got over the flu. I think I am getting an upper respiratory infection this time. I get those way too often. I really really really hate being sick. I'm sick of being sick.

How to help someone's who being abused

By Divorce360.com

Last month, I received the following question from an old friend, Lloyd Barnhart:

Q: “A topic I would like you to cover/explore is that curious phenomenon which permits otherwise independent women to be dominated…even abused…by males with whom they share some sort of relationship. Why is it that a seemingly strong, intelligent woman would allow herself to be hurt…her life to be altered in a negative way by some guy with whom she has some sort of relationship? I currently know a couple of such women and feel completely helpless with regard to alleviating their problem (which they apparently fail to see). I realize we/you could attack this from the other angle: Why would a man want to completely dominate a female to the point where she fails to exist as an individual? But, for now……help me understand this from the female perspective.”

A: I'd be happy to, and I hope the following information answers your questions. Of course, every person involved in violent situations has his or her own reason for living that way. Usually, women who remain in abusive or violent situations are more afraid of being alone than of being with the abusive husband. She may also be afraid of what he'll do if she leaves. She's usually financially dependent on him. If the couple has children, the woman feels even more invested and trapped — she believes she's protecting the children. The more time passes, the weaker, more dependent and “stuck” she becomes.

Abusive men are narcissistic — they have “Jekyll and Hyde” personalities, which means that they can be very charming when they're not being abusive. Women who stay in abusive situations focus on this charm, and deny the abuse. They also have experience of their husbands smoothly talking their way out of any responsibility for misbehavior, for example if she once called 911 and he got the police to believe nothing was wrong. The woman feels hopeless and helpless, that no one will believe her or help her get out. She's also ashamed, and doesn't want people to know her misery. Various women have combinations of all or some of these reasons for staying.

The question here that concerns most of us would be: “What can I do to help?” Here are some steps you can take when you believe a friend or family member is in this situation.

1. Get informed about options.

Before attempting to help, make sure you know what the options are for the woman and her children. Obtain a domestic violence hotline number, (National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) the number for child protective services (ask the operator for your local Child Abuse Hotline, go to http://www.childhelpusa.org/ or call 1-800- 4 A Child) and numbers for local women's shelters.

Call the numbers, explain that you want to help a female friend, and find out what information these organizations need to help your friend or family member. Make a list of the information she'll need to provide. The National Domestic Violence Hotline Website has a lot of very helpful information at http://www.ndvh.org/index.html. But, don't just refer your friend to the web site or phone numbers. Give her all the details you can.

Remember, she's probably feeling hopeless and helpless, and perhaps even worthless. She'll need friends to guide her every step of the way.

2. Find out about local shelters.

A violent spouse has impaired impulse control and can go off violently at any time. It's vital that no one talk to the husband, because if he's angered, he may take it out on his family. Understand that, if he's truly violent, it won't work to talk to him. His wife and children must be safe before anyone approaches him. Once the family is safe, you can offer him anger management classes, or suggest therapy.

Don't be surprised if he blames his wife for his anger. Understand that, if you get child protective services involved, and the wife won't stay away from her husband, the children may be taken into protective custody. Also if the wife goes into a women's shelter, with her children, she will lose her job, if she has one, and she can't contact her relatives from the shelter.

Shelters stress that women cannot go anywhere their husbands would look for them, or they could lead a violent man to the shelter, and endanger everyone there.

3. Gather a support system.

Find a couple of friends or family members you can trust not to tell the husband what you know, and talk to them to find out what they know about the situation, and if they'd be willing to help. If you're not sure about the abuse or violence, they may be able to confirm your fears, or set them at rest. If you find that your fears are confirmed, make it clear to everyone that your friend is in real danger.

Make a plan for what each of you is willing to do to help. Perhaps a family member can take her and the children in, and keep her surrounded and safe from her husband if he goes into a rage. Perhaps you can get her connected to a women's shelter. Perhaps you can help her get a Restraining Order or a Protection from Violence Order against her husband.

Some of you may know enough facts to witness on her behalf. You may be able to help her see the websites on a computer her husband won't be able to access.

4. Talk to the victim.

Once the first three steps are in place, you need to talk to the woman who's in danger. If you, a relative, or one of the other friends can get her alone, away from her husband, do so. Don't leave telltale phone messages or e-mails, because women in these situations are often closely monitored by their husbands. Find a way to meet with her alone.

5. Confront her with the facts

Once you get her alone, tell her what you know about her situation. This may mortify her, but it's important that she knows you know. Tell her you care about her, you're willing to help her if she wants help, and what you can do for her. She needs to know she has support and protection, because getting away from this man is very frightening for her.

She may tell you she's fine, she doesn't need help. She may even be angry at you. In that case, don't get angry or annoyed. Instead, tell her if she ever needs help, you're available. You can print the “Family Violence Q& A” article from my web site http://www.tinatessina.com/monthly—column.html and leave it with her.

6. Report the abuse yourself.

If your friend has children, you believe the children are in danger, and she won't do anything, you may have to call the Child Abuse Hotline without her permission. This will not be easy, because the family will then be investigated, the children may be taken away, and both parents will be required to take parenting classes, and domestic violence classes to regain custody of the children.

Children's Protective Services will give temporary custody to a safe family member in the meantime, if someone is willing. None of this is pleasant, or easy, but if you honestly believe the relationship is abusive or violent, it's the caring thing to do. Remember that domestic abuse or violence situations don't get better without intervention.

"My relapse will not determine my future"

This Post Secret card from today's post really got to me just now. Such a strong image ...


Reminds me of how I was after my last self-harm relapse. I was determined not to let self-harm become all I was again, and so far I've been successful. I haven't cut since 2006, despite an occasional desire to do it.

Rihanna interview brought me to tears

I just watched Rihanna's interview from Friday's episode of "20/20," and it brought me to tears to hear her talk in detail of how the domestic abuse from Chris Brown made her feel. I feel that she was totally honest, and she portrayed a true image of an abuse survivor. I respect her fully for giving this interview and being honest. I also respect her ability to talk that intimately about the abuse and not start crying. I can't talk about my experiences without bawling.

The part that really got me was when she says, "He had no soul in his eyes. Just blank. He was clearly blacked-out. There was no person when I looked at him." That quote brings back so many memories of my ex-husband pinning me down with a knife to my throat. You can't even imagine how hard it is for me to remember his facial expression as he cut me.

If you didn't get to see it, I've posted the five interview clips below.

I survived the flu

I woke up this morning feeling much better. I'm still not 100%, but I'm much better than I was the last few days. Having the flu sucks. I haven't been that sick in years.

It all started when I woke up Saturday morning and was extremely nauseous. My stomach kept turning over and over again. I went to work despite that, and a few hours into work, I suddenly was burning up. One of my coworkers mentioned that my face had turned completely red. I felt like I was going to pass out. Another coworker felt my forehead and said I definitely had a fever. I left work early that night.

Sunday started out the same way with me being nauseous, but I had no fever or hot spells, so I went to work. Soon after I got to work I started feeling hot again. A coworker suggested that I take the fan off another desk and put it on mine to keep me cool, so I did that. The fan helped keep me from over-heating, but then I started having chills, so for a while the fan would be on and then I'd have to shut it off for a while because of the chills.

Monday I woke up with a horrible sore throat and was massively congested on top of the nausea and a fever. I spent most of Monday and Tuesday laying down because every time I stood up I felt like vomiting. Wednesday I woke up feeling the same, but I also had a lot of pain throughout my body. The flu had made my muscles and joints so stiff that I had to hold onto a wall to walk without falling. My nose was so sore that it started bleeding off and on. I coughed up blood several times. Somehow I wound up with some sort of cold sore on my bottom lip.

I ended up calling into work sick Wednesday. I hate having to call in because I know how much extra work it sticks on everyone else, but I could not go to work like that at all.

I didn't go to the doctor (despite everyone saying I should) because I had prescriptions for congestion and for cold/flu that I had from the last time I had been really sick, and they worked because I woke up quite a bit better today. I'm still all sniffly and my nose still has some blood, and my body is still sore, but overall I think I'm passed all the bad stuff (or so I hope). The only negative thing about not going to the doctor is that I have no idea if it was the regular flu or the swine flu.

Mom's antidepressants tied to child health risks

By Reuters

Babies whose mothers used antidepressants during pregnancy visit the doctor more often and have higher risks of certain health problems than other children their age, a new study suggests.

The study looked at the medical records of nearly 39,000 Dutch children through the first year of life. It found that rates of congenital heart defects and physical therapy -- a potential sign of movement-related problems -- were elevated among babies whose mothers used antidepressants throughout pregnancy.

These children also tended to have more doctor visits and higher rates of certain other health problems, like respiratory and digestive symptoms. However, those rates were also elevated among children whose mothers had stopped using antidepressants before pregnancy.

This raises the possibility that the risks were related to the mother's depression itself, rather than antidepressant use, according to the researchers, led by Dr. Tessa Ververs of the University Medical Center Utrecht in the Netherlands.

The bottom line for women on the medications is that the decision to continue or stop during pregnancy is an individual one. Women should talk with their doctor about what is best for them, Ververs told Reuters Health in an email.

The question of whether to continue on antidepressants during pregnancy is not simple.

Initial studies on the drugs' safety were "reassuring," Ververs and her colleagues note, but some recent reports have linked the medications to problems in newborns -- including cases of congenital heart defects.

Antidepressant use in the third trimester has also been connected to higher risks of respiratory distress, feeding problems and irritability in newborns, the researchers note in their report published in the British obstetrics journal BJOG.

On the other hand, there are concerns about leaving depression untreated in expectant mothers, at a time when stress can be high.

Of the 38,602 babies in the current study, 197 were born to mothers who used antidepressant throughout pregnancy. Another 820 mothers had stopped using the medications before pregnancy, while 543 used them only at certain points during pregnancy. Most women on medication during pregnancy -- 71 percent -- used a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) such as paroxetine (Paxil) or fluoxetine (Prozac).

Ververs and her colleagues found that of the children whose mothers had used antidepressants throughout pregnancy, three had to have a major heart procedure performed in their first year of life. That made them six times more likely than children whose mothers had never used antidepressants to need a heart procedure.

The risk was not elevated among children whose mothers had stopped taking antidepressants.

When it came to doctor visits during the first year of life, both children whose mothers had continued to use antidepressants and those whose mothers had stopped tended to see the doctor more often than children whose mothers had never taken antidepressants. Similarly, both groups of children had higher rates of antibiotic use and respiratory or intestinal symptoms.

It's possible that mothers' depression itself was a factor here, according to Ververs' team. Past studies have found that depressed mothers tend to take their children to the doctor more often than other mothers do.

Compared with other mothers, Ververs and her colleagues note, depressed moms may find it more difficult to cope with problems like respiratory ills and digestive symptoms.

More studies, the researchers write, are needed to tease apart the relationships between mothers' mental health, medication use and specific health problems in infants.

For now, they say, the evidence does support fetal screening for heart defects when mothers continue to use antidepressants during pregnancy.